How to use a Listening Boundary

Why do we need a listening boundary?

One of the first things I learned from Pia Mellody was the importance of a listening boundary. She taught me that it was my responsibility as a functional adult to “catch” what other people are saying, and assess “Is that information true for me?” before letting it in. She says that without a listening boundary, we are fully at the mercy of other people’s opinions, and will be caught up in reactive responses trying to defend ourselves or trying to control what others think of us. In order to listen with curiosity, it is important to be intentional with our listening.

Allowing others to be different

First, start by reminding yourself that you are separate from other people. We each have our own ideas, opinions and experiences, and they get to be different. Say to yourself, “what this person is about to say is information about how they think and feel. It’s okay if I think differently from them.” Note: If you grew up in a home that taught you “If you love me, you agree with me” or “Either you are with us or against us” this is going to push up against your family paradigm. Consider if you are open to challenging that idea and letting go of trying to make everyone think alike.

Imagine the boundary

Next, imagine either a protective boundary around you, or imagine a catcher’s mitt. Image that the boundary or mitt “catches” what the other person is saying. Ask yourself, “Is this true for me?” If it is, let it in and have your response to it. If it is NOT true for work, work to keep it out. Tell yourself, “That is what they think, and I see it differently.”

Decide what you let in

To the extent you want to have a relationship with someone, you will want to take seriously what they are saying, particularly if they are giving you feedback. Because you care about them, you should seriously consider their experience of you and see how you can address it. But that is not the same thing as absorbing their opinions without a filter. Also, if the person is being disrespectful, definitely keep out the disrespect*, but see if there is a nugget of truth you can let in.

Listening boundary example

An example: Mary says to Shannon, “You are a terrible friend and you don’t care about me.” If Shannon’s boundary is holding up well, she would catch that and think to herself, “I see that differently, I am not a terrible friend and I care very much about Mary.” However, since Shannon cares about Mary, she will then look for the nugget of truth she can agree with. That might be, “I see that Mary is very upset, and just not expressing herself respectfully. I care that she is upset.” Then Shannon might say, “Mary, I hear you are upset and I care about that. Can you tell me about what’s bothering you?” If Mary continues to be disrespectful, Shannon can ask her to be more respectful, and if that doesn’t occur, Shannon may choose to end the conversation for now.

Value of the boundary

One gift of a listening boundary it allows us to listen to people even when they are making mistakes. Everyone is disrespectful sometimes, and if you can meet their immoderation with moderation, in many cases the whole tone of the meeting can shift. Using a listening boundary is an act of self-care that benefits not just ourselves, but our relationships, since humans are imperfect and often make mistakes in the way they express themselves.

*Important Exception: A listening boundary will not protect you from physical violence or emotional abuse. Those are boundary violations and the best course of action is to disengage when possible in the service of self-protection.